I can’t even begin to describe how crazy the past 6 months have been. There has been tears, anger, frustration, joy, stress, loneliness. You name it, I’ve had it.
So many things have been changing. But change is good, right?
I have felt both frustrated and defeated recently. Not good enough. I’ve been applying for jobs for months and have had no call-backs. I lost hope many times. I also felt empowered many times. Both motivated and unmotivated.
Moodiness would be an understatement.
I thought I wanted solitude. A chance to be on my own. To make it one my own.
For what? To prove something? Prove what? To whom? Prove to the world that I can live on my own and stand on my own two feet? No one cares about that. Everyone is wrapped up in their own lives. Their own goals. They aren’t plagued with my success or failure.
And they shouldn’t be. I’m not plagued with theirs.
I don’t have to make it on my own. I have nothing to prove. It is amazing to have a support system. It feels good to be around family and close friends, even in moments of struggle. Even in moments of pure frustration. We don’t have to be on our own. The old phrase, “Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them.” stands true.
It seems that our society breeds this idea that one is not successful until he/she can support himself/herself on a single salary, in an apartment. In order to be viewed positively, we must do this. We must pay $800-1200/month on our own? Plus bills, groceries, student loans, etc.??? This is hard. And financially stresses me out.
Not only is this difficult, it is lonely. It is unnecessary. It is costly both financially and mentally. For a time, I believe it is good to be on your own. It is good to have outlets, or activities that qualify as your own meditation. To find peace. To find solidarity in life’s craziness. But long term? Not for me. Perhaps there is something to the Amish ways of living as one big extended family. They constantly have support. They work together. No one is left behind. You can always count on someone.
I love being around people. I like sharing meals, experiences, stories. I want to see my niece grow up. I don’t want to miss out on the things that are truly important to me. On the top of my list? Family and friends.
Today itself has been both crazy and wonderful. As I prepared this week to embark on a 2000-mile journey via airplane to see the man I’ve been dating, I simultaneously had a job interview. And got offered the job. And told my family, my close friends, my references. I wanted to hold off and surprise my family when I just showed up on their doorstep with my belongings…but I obviously could not contain myself more than 10 minutes.
I had to put in my notice. Over the phone. It felt 100% unprofessional, but I didn’t have a choice. I appreciate my co-workers and the experiences I have had very much. I don’t want to leave them. I am finally comfortable in my work environment.
But I know this is the right move. Every day has been hard since my sisters and my niece left. Every time I hear her little voice say “Mayee!”. Every time I see her face give me the biggest smile. That little girl has my heart and it is broken without her. It is broken without my sisters. I don’t feel as strong or as confident without them. I don’t think anyone really does. I don’t believe that solitude breeds success. I believe in having supportive, motivational, uplifting people around you through all of the ups and downs. People to jump up and down with you during the good times, and hug you during the bad times.
I will cope with the 50% pay cut, loss of valuable co-workers and loss of valuable friends. But I am gaining what I hope will be so much more.
I have felt change coming for myself for quite some time now.
This is it.
It feels right.
I can’t wait to embark on this new journey. It is happening quickly, but I’ve never been much for patience anyway.