My Zen · The Mollie Chronicles

If I Fall Asleep Now…

Living Now: the perpetually nagging thought that is almost impossible to accomplish.

Not feeling guilty. Not thinking the “should’s” and “should nots”. Not regretting acting selfishly. Being present and giving without thinking too far ahead. Not feeling stressed and caught up in what will come, but enjoying what is now. I have talked about it before and I am talking about it again. It is a constant battle. A constant teacher. Some days are easier than others.

Stress and anxiety feed themselves. I have bad days; emotional days; blue days. It is usually on those days when my view of my life sucks, that I am overwhelmed. It is hard to be an active participant in our own lives, constantly observing our own actions and recognize when this is happening. For me, once the anxiety starts, it is a slippery slope. Everything else in my day seems terrible. It all follows suit.

The past weekend was a mega learning experience for me. I started my Friday night beautifully when Lance and I had our typical grocery-run to Costco, followed by a pizza splurge for dinner. It was a nice, quiet night since I was working this weekend.

Thats where the nice ended. Then it got a little graphic.

My upstairs neighbors’ poor poor puppy howled from about 6 pm until midnight. He obviously has some separation issues that they are not addressing. I felt awful for him and I was also furious that this little guy was keeping me awake. About midnight, after tossing and turning for a couple hours, trying to get comfortable, trying to ignore the noise and then falling into the “if I fall asleep now I will get hours of sleep” situation, one of our dogs decided he should explosively evacuate his bowels all over our apartment. Literally. Everywhere. Naturally, I bolted out of bed, nearly still awake from earlier that night, and we found ourselves trying to clean a VERY smelly apartment.

It was about 1 am when I had an inner battle/outward discussion with Lance about calling in sick to work.

Being Selfish

I went back and forth. I should work. We need the money. I have patients. They are counting on me. Who else will work????

Well. The best part of having a job with benefits…I have sick days. At the end of my 30-minute battle, I finally called in. Naturally, I felt bad about it the entire next day. I was selfish. But it was okay. I would have worked a 12-hour shift where my mistakes could put people in danger with only 4-hours of sleep. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a required 7-hour minimum for functioning. So I made the choice. And we spent the entire next day shampooing our carpets and trying every possible stain remover we could find.

The stains are a little lighter now. yayyyyy. #byebyedeposit

That night, I was prepared for sleep and work the following day. Round 2.

The apartment was so humid from shampooing, that again, I didn’t sleep well. I awoke about every hour to my other dog suddenly sounding like a pack-a-day smoker with emphysema.

Oh. And I overslept. On daylight savings time. I thought I’d really show my new job how responsible I can be.

I felt guilty and crummy all weekend. I was concerned with how work would react. While a valid concern, not one worth revisiting all day. I could have felt destroyed by it. I even tried to. I sulked around a bit and cried a couple times; but it didn’t stick. I found myself laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. Sometimes, life just happens and we have no control. And that’s ok. We just have to learn to move through it and make the best choices we can with the tools that we have and not get caught up in those choices later.

I was speaking to my sister during on of my emotional moments and she reminded me of something I had told her on Friday morning. I told her that at the end of each day, especially the difficult ones, she should think of a few things that were truly great about that day. In the end, most of my stressors are “first-world problems”. I have a wonderful family, with a nice home, and job that I love. I have freedoms. I am safe. I am healthy. I am able to nourish my body with good food. It is all about perspective and choosing how to react to what life hands us.

Today, some pretty great stuff happened:

-It was sunny and bright and we took our pups for a nice long walk

-Lance and I started a 30-day yoga challenge with some of our friends

-I spend quality time with my family

-I was able to do about 10 tedious tasks on my to-do list

-One of our pups had a vet check-up with good report

Nothing is too small to be grateful for.

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